one

msg to a friend

2008-05-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

"Hey tried to call you
anyway
, im full of sin
my head is full of sin
so is every part of me
it;s like asking someone who jst committed murder to pray after the act
terrible
but tts wxactly what im gg to do now
God;s gg to look at how dirty i am
my heart has nearly nothing of God
but i love God;s ppl too much
i still long to give my best smile to those in the hospital
i still want to love those empty hearts, emptier than mine now
so, though ive no Jesus in me
and im Full of sin and just sinned repeatedly
im gg to be very thick skinned and just Talk to God
gg to try to stop sinning cuz i find it too hard to love his pple yet be so conflicted inside
i feel like im challenging God
i will try to stop sinning, to love more ans to talk to him hopefully every night
i wanna see how long he wants to stay outta my life
i know you feel we must be servile in fornt of God
most prob wont support this challenging stance ive taken
but all i ask is just really support me
and try to love me as much as you can
im so sorry
im so selfish
but it;s only cuz im so empty of love so full of sin
im gg to be talking to God,
gg back to church, all with an empty heart
tts gg to be feraking hard and i forsee itd require discipline which ive always lacked
so pls try to love and care for me when you can
im sorry for being this way
hope you dont hate me
rpely when u see
thnk you for ure patience"

so tt;s tt
I CAN DO IT oh how hard the days and nights are going to be
i forsee tears
and i just realised
no one can be in this with me
i will be and have to do this alone
so it;s going to be killing me
id take it as a challenge of my mental physical and emotional strength
and spiritual whatever tts left of it

2008-05-08T23:14:00.001-07:00

so we have reached this point where
i keep sinning
where i no longer want to reach for you
cuz i have been doing it for 5 months
too long
where i keep reaching
and keep falling
further and further
and now im nearly back to where i was before
sin had driven me insane cuz it mattered
cuz it mattered to me
cuz you mattered
and i was tryin with all my life to please you
in words
thoughts
actions
emotions
everything
any drop of sin tortured me
but now
it doesnt matter nemore
you can do anything
but you didnt
if anything
you allowed it all to happen
i die every night before i sleep
i struggle
i fight and go insane
my heart dies
the pain is so real, beyond mental
it's truly physical
you can do anything
but you didnt
so now
i sin
blatantly
loudly openly again
and again repeatedly
does it kill you?
wouldnt noe
they say it would
how would i noe
when i was made an object
when i was used and battered
and left there so tormented, going crazy
driven by pain and unfamiliar pleasure and abuse
and dearth of love
all i wanted was love
to be in the hands of someone who cared
truly
who would let me cry till i hurt no more
who would feel my pain and insanity
no
had none
no one

been fighting for you for so long
even more so lately
all the daily masses
rushing for them
trying so hard to feel you
the confessions
trying to make them the best and the last
and the most meaningful

and when i was in my weakest most vulnerable position
where were you

so now
im tired
of reaching out for u
for fighting for u
and fighting with you
wouldnt win anyway
you are too powerful
i am nothing

it's a battle i would never win
and i fought it only cuz u mattered to me

i want to quit this battle already
it's too hard to bear
and it's driving me insane
too many things to handle
and the sin
lack of love
emptiness

wanted someone who could love with all the heart
experienced such human love before
more than once
sacrifice, love, care
all so veritable
albeit non lasting
because
i pushed it all away
for you
so i could get closer to you
look at me now

enough
you
where are you
you are everything
yet you do nothing

2008-05-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

what do you want of me lord
im really angry with you

giving up

2008-05-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

i want to give up
it's so difficult

why must it be so hard

2008-05-04T06:21:00.000-07:00

i was taken advantage of
i was an object
i was just part of an experiment
i was used
i was dazed
because of alcohol, sin and lust
i am just a sinner
i could sin and pray last time
i could do so many things
but now
everything is so clear
so well delineated
so mutually exclusive
i hear his words
like unsure steps scientists to an expiriment would ask
i was just an object
Lord
i have fought so hard for you
for such a long time
im going crazy now
everytime i hear those words
i am pierced
i go insane
i was used
yet in my dazed state of intoxication and sin
i couldnt fight
my hands were weak
my fingers were locked
my legs started to give way
and when i could
i didnt
and what i did
was minimal
and when it all ended
i pushed the sin away
and indulged in my own sin
he used me
in my weaknesses
and unleashed the sin which ive kept away for so long
and i was numbed with no words
for anyone
because i was filled with pain
that i was used
i wasnt even asked if i was okay after it was all over
i didnt get any calls the day after
or msgs
i was just part of an experiment
i was just an object
and the pain conflicts with my weakness
that in spite of my pain
my sinfulness perpetuates itself
i am going crazy
i want to vanish now